I'm not good at being transparent on this here blog.
I generally keep things light - weekends with friends, our trip to Europe, house projects, etc.
And when I get serious about things, I tend to keep it positive. If I talk about faith, it is usually about something I'm learning or something like that. If I talk about a struggle, it usually involves some kind of clean wrap up at the end.
A while back I was reading the blog Stuff Christians Like (which in my opinion, is often spot on in its snarky, satirical way) and came across #560: Writing twitter messages that sound 14% holier than you usually are.
I don't really twitter. I tried, and then failed. But this post still made me smile because that is certainly a temptation for me when it comes to blogging. And, alongside that temptation is the one where I make out that everything is going well for us at the Brown home.
And it mostly is. We're happy. We're healthy. We're thankful for our marriage and our dog and our home and our jobs. We know that we're incredibly blessed to have what we have. But I worry what you all will think if it is clear, really clear, that I don't have everything put together or figured out. And if I admit that I'm struggling with my relationship with God, will those people in my life that don't know Jesus view this as reason why they shouldn't bother?
But I want to be more honest in this space. I always appreciate it when other bloggers are. I mean, who wants to read all about a life where the writer is always happy, upbeat, and growing in her faith? That's boring - and fake.
And yet there are certain things that are, and should be, private. I'll keep them that way. You won't get detailed information about my checkbook balance, my latest argument with Josh (well, unless it was a funny one), or my anxieties about relationships with friends or family. It is also not my intention to be whiney or complainey.
But - deep breath - here we go.
I'm a bit lonely these days.
I worry that somewhere, someone will figure out that I don't know what I'm doing.
I want to help people. But I don't know where to start.
God seems distant.
I know that He is a God of redemption and hope and love. But I don't feel it right now.
I'm unmotivated to spend time with Him.
I feel guilty about this. And frustrated.
I'm thankful for, and dependent on His grace. If it were up to me to merit God's favor through my good works, I'd fail every single day. Praise Him for this. I'm trying to cling to it.
I'm not a disciplined person, and wish I was one.
And that's it. I don't have a neat-and-clean ending for this one. But it feels good to get it out there.