Wednesday, August 5, 2009

On Transparency

I'm not good at being transparent on this here blog.

I generally keep things light - weekends with friends, our trip to Europe, house projects, etc.

And when I get serious about things, I tend to keep it positive. If I talk about faith, it is usually about something I'm learning or something like that. If I talk about a struggle, it usually involves some kind of clean wrap up at the end.

A while back I was reading the blog Stuff Christians Like (which in my opinion, is often spot on in its snarky, satirical way) and came across #560: Writing twitter messages that sound 14% holier than you usually are.

I don't really twitter. I tried, and then failed. But this post still made me smile because that is certainly a temptation for me when it comes to blogging. And, alongside that temptation is the one where I make out that everything is going well for us at the Brown home.

And it mostly is. We're happy. We're healthy. We're thankful for our marriage and our dog and our home and our jobs. We know that we're incredibly blessed to have what we have. But I worry what you all will think if it is clear, really clear, that I don't have everything put together or figured out. And if I admit that I'm struggling with my relationship with God, will those people in my life that don't know Jesus view this as reason why they shouldn't bother?

But I want to be more honest in this space. I always appreciate it when other bloggers are. I mean, who wants to read all about a life where the writer is always happy, upbeat, and growing in her faith? That's boring - and fake.

And yet there are certain things that are, and should be, private. I'll keep them that way. You won't get detailed information about my checkbook balance, my latest argument with Josh (well, unless it was a funny one), or my anxieties about relationships with friends or family. It is also not my intention to be whiney or complainey.

But - deep breath - here we go.

I'm a bit lonely these days.
I worry that somewhere, someone will figure out that I don't know what I'm doing.
I want to help people. But I don't know where to start.
God seems distant.
I know that He is a God of redemption and hope and love. But I don't feel it right now.
I'm unmotivated to spend time with Him.
I feel guilty about this. And frustrated.
I'm thankful for, and dependent on His grace. If it were up to me to merit God's favor through my good works, I'd fail every single day. Praise Him for this. I'm trying to cling to it.
I'm not a disciplined person, and wish I was one.

And that's it. I don't have a neat-and-clean ending for this one. But it feels good to get it out there.


Jon & Emily said...

Amen. Right there with you!

Hebrews 11 and 12...

Alex said...

For what it's worth Jessica, I feel exactly the same way these days.

Dave and Jenni said...

THANK YOU for writing that. I'm right there with you on a lot of the feelings you're having lately. It's clear you haven't given up hope of finding Him (nor have I), even if He feels distant. In my life, I'm holding on to that knowledge as victory when all other victory seems kind of far off. I have to start somewhere. :)

Short Stop said...

I have been scarce in commenting this summer - just needed a break in some area - BUT, I didn't want a day to go by without commenting on this one.

I want you to know:

How much I appreciated this post.

How much the "real Jessica" that I've gotten to know just poured off of this page.

How I can relate to so many of your feelings here.

And, how much I'm looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks!

Laura said...

I like to read your blog but don't usually comment. But I had to on this one - thanks for showing us that you're normal and not being afraid to put the truth out there. I think so many of us feel the same way! So thanks.

Lynn said...

Thanks for sharing this piece of your heart. I know many (including myself) can relate in so many ways.

Sam Scharenberg said...

Thanks for being real, Jess. I enjoy checkin up on you here :) Our dog's name is Rylee, too!! Just a little different spelling. ~Sam

Erika said...

Thanks for the honesty. You're not alone, my friend.

Chrispy Critter said...

I think you are amazing and I wish we would have spent more time together while we had each other. I think you are amazing and you have no idea how much I appreciate our friendship. You are always helping people by making them feel welcome and important, and your example of pure goodness. Thank you for that.

I used to have a quoate on my board with a nail tied to it that said, "Never forget how much HE loves you"

Hang in there you are amazing!

Love ya!

Karen Witte said...

I saw the coolest sign one said "I know the most amazing woman, and she just happens to be my daughter"

Amen and amen
I love you,

Kristen said...

i have been very convicted about this same thing lately (both blog - as i sometimes call it the blog fog and lifes questions).

thanks so much for sharing and being so honest!

Denise said...

this is refreshing. i get it. i feel this. there is a lot i don't know how to formulate into words. i can't formulate it in my own mind. i know "God is God there is no other," but right now i miss Him.i miss who i am when i am found in Him.
thanks for your transparency!