And I'm a planner.
Sometimes I'm organized, and every now and then I have a clean house. I try to be responsible with time and money. And I always want to plan ahead.
We're moving? Where? I want to know all of the details years ahead of time. What kind of place will we live in? Let me get online so I can analyze our options. What kinds of jobs will we have? When will we have kids? I want to know so I can plan our lives accordingly.
I think this is probably normal. I mean, who doesn't like to know what to expect in the coming months and years?
For me, however, it gets in the way of trusting God. When I don't know what to expect in the future, I often turn to worrying, making arbitrary lists, frustrated crying, and peppering Josh with questions he doesn't know how to answer. As a result, I'm miserable.
Wouldn't you know, God keeps putting me in situations where I don't know the outcome. I can think of many times in just the past five years that I've had to wait and trust. Most of the time I've been pretty terrible at it. But I think that God, in his love, is going to continue to give me opportunities to trust Him. Goodness knows I need the practice. Now is one of those times.
We know very little about what our life will be like after May 2009. Josh will graduate from Kelley, and we'll move away from Bloomington. This much is relatively clear. But beyond that, like a location? Jobs? Friends? No idea. It is difficult for the compulsive planner within to come to terms with that reality.
But this fall, I'm doing my best to choose trust. God hasn't deserted me yet, and I believe he never will. He hasn't promised that life will be easy or absent of suffering, but He has promised that nothing will separate me from His love. He has bigger and better plans for my life than I could ever dream of, so instead of getting in the way with my limited comprehension and incessant need to know what is going on, I'm going to stand back and let Him lead us. Yikes, it isn't easy.
This passage, from a Reformed theological document known as the Heidelberg Catechism, has been a favorite since I was young:
Q. What do you believe when you say, "I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth"?
A. That the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who out of nothing created heaven and earth
and everything in them,
who still upholds and rules them
by his eternal counsel and providence,
is my God and Father
because of Christ his Son.
I trust him so much that I do not doubt
he will provide
whatever I need
for body and soul,
and he will turn to my good
whatever adversity he [allows]
in this sad world.
He is able to do this because he is almighty God;
he desires to do this because he is a faithful Father.